Friday, June 14, 2013
I have been up since four am. Why? Today is my fourth chemo treatment. It takes 3 hours to inject all three bags of fluid. I have had complications with two of the treatments, so therefore anxiety has crept up on me.
I love hot tea, coffee when I'm out, but at home - tea. I make lousy coffee, don't tell anyone! Do you nuke your water if you drink tea, or boil the water on the stove? I prefer the stove method myself.
This morning I was in a rush to read about the different chemo (side effects) my oncologist suggested. That is why I popped the cup of water in the micro. At first sip, I knew I had made a mistake, but I didn't throw it out.
I was hungry also, how could I be hungry at this time of the morning is beyond me. And for all things Peanut Butter!
When I am hungry for peanut butter, I always have it on toast. Today, being in a rush, I just put it on plain bread and folded it in half like a youngster would eat it. I started to bite down and feelings of "de ja vu" came over me.
In my mind I was transported back to a kid. I remember that I packed myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for breakfast, along with a thermos of white milk to take to school.
Back in the day, me, along with my classmates, had to sing at the eight o'clock Mass every morning. We always sang The Requem, the mass for the dead. Nice way for kids to start out their day eh?
At that time the Catholic had to fast from midnight on if we wanted to receive Communion. That was the reason for kids packing breakfast, we were starving by time Mass was over. We ate at our desk once we got to our classroom.
We had to walk home for lunch though, every day. I never understood why we could eat our breakfast in school, but not our lunch.
All of this ran through my mind as I went to bite down on my peanut butter sandwich (without jelly!). I could visualize so much, it was a good time back in the day. All because of a half of a peanut butter sandwich. And for one moment in time I forgot about treatment.
Memories are great.
Monday, June 10, 2013
I miss you, your life was taken way too soon, you had just turned 66 in March of 1976, and passed away the next month in April. You never had a chance to enjoy your retirement at all. I often think how much you missed out of life. How you would have enjoyed all the latest technology. You probably would of owned the latest before anyone else.:-) I liked how you went to the grocery store and would come home not only with groceries, but the latest kitchen gadget
I know you would of especially enjoyed being with your grandchildren, to see them grow up through the years. They are all strong, and compassionate, The two youngest are loving husbands and fathers. The two oldest have had some hard knocks when it comes to relationships. Ron &; I hurt for them, because we know in our hearts, that this is not the way they wanted it to turn out. They are with women now, but it is not a marriage. Not that it would make it a success, but it would make them feel belonged. But each have their own special uniqueness that make them so special and I know you would be so proud of them, like we are.
I find it hard to believe you have been gone for thirtyseven years. Why, it seems like yesterday when you took me sled riding down seventh street hill in Glassport, I remember so many things, how you were mad at me one day and hollered at me, but then felt bad, and went down to buy me an ice-cream cone. I remember clearly how you wanted to call Doug, "Duke". I said right off the bat, no, because it reminded me of a dog. You never said anything, just walked away like it meant nothing that I had said no. You and I never had an argument, I treasure that fact. I remember being home and making your lunch in the morning. I would wrap your sandwich in wax paper and then write I love you on it, or a funny note. I never knew if it meant anything to you until years later, when my Aunt Carm told me how much you liked that I did that..
I always wanted to marry a man like you, you put mom on a pedestal and she never fell off in your eyes. You washed clothes, helped with the dishes, together you made Christmas cookies, so many things you did for her, and showed her affection. You were the best dad ever. I am so glad I have you for my father.
You were so gracious whenever you offered ideas and I always turned them down, I want to thank you for that. Back then, I was a modern, contemporary girl of the sixties. I thought I knew everything,
I know so much more now, then when I was twenty.
I took for granted the fact that you let me drive to school everyday when I was a senior, do you know how popular that made me with the boys? They loved your 1953 black Pontiac Chieftain. So did I, and to think you let me have it any time I wanted - that is true love and the fact that Mom didn't drive yet. (lol)
I wish I would of told you I loved you, and how proud I was of you, how I thought you were a great dad, even though you had trouble showing it physically, I knew you loved me. You were a rough, tough Italian fireman on the outside, but you were a squeezable teddy bear on the inside. And you would give the shirt off your back to anyone who needed it. And how proud I was that you were president of NO#1 Firehall and did so much for the company.
I believe full hearted in spirits, so maybe you are reading this now.
I thought it was so cool when ever you let me help you put up the train platform, and how you showed me how to run the train with the transformer. I loved that train because it let us do something together.
I love you Dad, your the best
Sunday, June 9, 2013
THE MIANZO SIDE - AS YOU CAN TELL , I AM THE OLDEST, THERE ARE TWO OF MY DEAR COUSINS MISSING FROM THIS PHOTO.
I am blessed to be in touch with cousins on both my dad's side, and my mom's side. I have a dear one from Kentucky, who just finished my dad's side of the family history, he put his heart and soul into it . It's fabulous, and filled with pictures, and so much information. No price tag can be put on it.
On my mom's side, I hear there is one cousin that has a lot of information, but so far, none of it has been shared as far as I know. I, being the oldest girl, should know more then I do, but I hardly know anything.
I am eight years older then my brother, which made me an only child for quite awhile. When my cousins and I saw each other, it was like they were my siblings. I envied my cousins that had other sisters and brothers, to me it seemed like they always had someone to play with. I saw them often because of weekly Sunday dinners.
Today, not so much. We live in a fast moving world. It is hard for families to make time for each other, let alone extended. For people that are around my age, it is sad to see. We know that the younger ones are missing out on an important part of life, but they are not aware of it. You can't miss what you never had.
Because of the Internet, face-book, and e-mails, I am able to keep in touch with my cousins that live out of state and in state. I am comforted by that.
On the other side of the coin, that being my husband's side, both sides, well, it is totally different. He has many cousins, but they don't keep in touch with us. We don't get invited to their functions or to their homes. We often have wondered why, but then, hey, it is what it is, can't change it. So we accept it. When we see them, they treat him nice, but like a casual acquaintance, not family. His two brothers do not live close, so we don't see them often enough, sometimes it makes him feel bad, but then he has our sons that are always calling him and they connect with music and hunting. I wish they would connect with gardening, but alas, my husband does not like to work with gardens. He will do it when I ask him and I am thankful for that.
How about your cousins, do you keep in touch or visit with them? Or are you lucky to have sisters and brothers you are close with and are able to visit?
As many of you know, I am writing my memoirs. it seems like I don't always write about the past, and that is what I should be doing. I usually write impulsively. Sometimes I think about what I am going to write about, and then just start writing. I don't make a draft, I do edit somewhat, don't check my grammar, but I do spell check. I don't have the patience to do the rest, if I did, I would not be writing very often. So years down the road, when my grand children's children's, children read this, they will know I was not a perfectionist.
My peers in my writers groups probably cringe when they read my work, they are all so good and precise. One of these days, when I have the time, I might just sit down and do it the correct way, but until then - this is it folks.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Today has been one of those rainy days, the rain comes down hard and stops, than it drizzle's softly, We need this rain for our gardens, grass and for cleansing. I sat out on the porch swing for awhile just swinging back and forth enjoying the rain.
I had to go out this morning, so I stopped at the grocery store, everyone had their umbrellas up but me. They probably thought I was nuts, but it felt so good to feel it fall softly on my body and actually since my hair has thinned out so much, I could feel it on my scalp too.
The reason for going out this morning was to have a Heart Monitor put on. My heart doctor took me off the blood thinner, Comeden because I told him of the side affects I was having with the Chemo drugs. Sooo, he told me to take a baby aspirin a day, but to wear this heart monitor for 24 hours. He wants to check if any changes take place by being on the aspirin. I am all wired up with stickies placed on my upper chest. I look so "cool". (not)
It was so funny this morning, I left the hospital with all these wires sticking out of my sort of a tank top I had on. I stopped to pick up a few things at the store, and when I was checking out, one of the wires caught on something sharp and the heart box dropped through my top and was hanging down by my knees. The woman behind me looked shocked, I said oh, that is the heart monitor machine and she said," uh, I thought it was a camera." I looked at her strange, and then looked down at the box, for sure it looked like a camera. I said oh no - it's not honest. She moved to another check out line!!!! I looked at the cashier and we both sort of smiled.
I find myself buying little things to perk me up, this morning I bought blue eyeshadow, what was I thinking! Blue of all shades, but, it is a pretty blue, and appealed to me. I'll find out what it looks like on my eyelids tomorrow, my eyelashes have thinned out pretty much, so maybe the blue will brighten up my eyes like it does my spirits.
I also bought cat food for my Kitty Kat, I swear he is the pickiest eater ever. I believe he would starve to death before he would eat what he sticks his nose up to. We have all tried buying different brands of wet and dry food, what we have found out for sure is that he hates salmon, and beef. Right now he is happy with shrimp and tuna with greens. I bought a different brand of dry food and I am hoping he will like it.
He is so persnickety. Sometimes he will come up and lay on my lap, or he will try to bite me, or he won't let me pet him at all. He is STRANGE. I really want another lovable kitty kat but am afraid that this one will kill it - honest!
Our first kitty kat, Dakota, was so easy going and lovable, He would fetch the ball when we threw it and bring it back, this one just looks at it and walks away. Dakota let us love him and pick him up and ate anything we put in front of him, so this little one we have now is trying to show us that he is boss!
Our son and his girl are in California for two weeks. They are in the San Diego area and then heading for Los Angeles. Hope those fires are out by then. He has been to more places then Carter has little liver pills, I swear. This is the same guy, that as a little boy was sad, because his field trip took him to far away from home! We are happy for him that he now enjoys traveling.
Tomorrow, Friday I don't have to leave the house, I am hoping to spend it out on the patio reading a book, what are you doing?