Tomato and pepper plants are waiting patiently on my patio to be planted. Their owner, me, not so patiently. It is frustrating to try to do something myself and find that as hard as I try, I am unable.
This morning I took a broom with me into the spare room to knock a box off a high shelf. In it were some of the wigs I had saved from 2006. I thought I could just whack that box right off that shelf. Ha! Like the big bad wolf, I tried, and I tried, but could not knock it down. I had to do what I did not want to do, ask my husband to do it. Of course being tall and strong, he had no problem, but still I had to ask for help.
I go into work when I can, but am not able to do part of the job that I'm suppose to do. Why, because I am not able to lift the books, or push the book cart. I am able to catch up on the happenings going on, work on the adult programs and get the Web site and Event Keeper up to date. Even that is taxing, and I am just sitting!
I work with a wonderful group of women, they never complain and are always willing to help in any way they can. I so appreciate that, but feel guilty that I can't do my part and have to leave earlier than I should.. This is something I have to accept which is hard to do, and that is putting it mildly.
I went to the oncologist last week to talk about changing my treatment. I had had some scary side affects and wanted to stop taking this one drug. In the midst of our discussion, he called me a cancer patient. You know, I have never thought of myself as a cancer patient. I thought and still think of my self as a survivor of Breast Cancer. I had my breast removed, there were no lymph nodes involved, so therefore the Breast Cancer is gone. So as of Feb 27, 2013 I have been breast cancer free.
The reason for treatment is because some of those cancer cells might have left the breast area and are floating around in my body, so hence the chemo treatments to kill them off. To bad it affects the good in the body also. The first time I had four treatments,I did have a serious side affect, my white blood cells crashed completely, and I had to be hospitalized. This time I am to have 6, and already have had a scary side affect after the second one. I am scheduled to have my third treatment this Friday, my oncologist is lowering my dosage, but did not take me off the drug I wanted to stop. He said by lowering the dose I should be OK. Even with him saying that I am fearful. It will take a lot of courage for me to go for treatment this Friday.
The hair is definitely thinning. Thankfully it was thick to begin with, so it still looks halfway decent, but it won't be long before I have to wear a hot wig when I go out of the house.
I see pictures of these beautiful, young bald mothers going through treatments, they have young children and my heart aches for them. They are so brave, so strong, they have helped me in many ways by seeing their positive attitude, and the courage they have. Their are single moms trying to raise their children and go through treatment at the same time, I can't even imagine.
The first time around, I was the one who was brave and strong, the second time has knocked me for a loop and made me leery . I am positive the breast cancer is gone, what I am not positive of is that it won't come back. As long as I am going for chemo treatments, I know I am OK, it is the afterwards, when I am done with treatment that I sometimes find myself thinking about. I have to turn my mind on to something else.
I have to remember to make the most out of each day and not worry about tomorrow
Every one has some sort of cross to carry, we all have to find the strength and courage to conquer it, and to go forward. There are so many people that are hurting mentally and physically , but we don't know that, because they always have a smile on their face.
The real heroes in my book are the Caretakers, they have to take care of us, still go to work, take on the extra chores of the house, cook, care for the children, the bills and whatever else comes up, yet they always encourage and have a smile on their face. Who takes care of them?