WHO AM I?

   Who Am I?    No, it's not what your thinking - this is not a quiz or a funny question. but it is a question I have asked myself over the years and finally I think I am finding out slow but sure.

I never had trouble making friends but I still use to be a person pleaser, no matter how much I did not want to do something, I would do it..  I always acted nice towards a person whether I liked them or not. I  praised even when I didn't want to. I never argued back with anyone, I would just get quite and not talk, and I would agree with a person even though I disagreed. I would agree so they would like me.

I was not assertive, plus I had no confidence in myself.-none, nada - I always thought everyone's ideas were better then mine or I would think they were right in what they said or right in whatever decision they made and I was wrong. ALWAYS. I never gave myself any credit and I was very hard on myself.   I had no confidence in me.

One thing I knew and still do  - is that I was good with hair, I was a very good hairdresser and had a great clientele .I also could make home made bread and desserts, No one could take those accomplishments away from me. It felt good to make something from scratch and see it take form, it felt good to do people's hair and make it shiny and bright with a good style,  perm or cut. I also could do Counted Cross Stitch and am proud of my work.

I am a writer, but I have very little confidence in my writing. At one time a couple of years ago a person said something to me about my writing and I stopped for quite a while. I was told it was "horrible" and they did not say it in a nice way, I think that would make anyone quit trying .
It took a good year for me to slowly start to write again. It's a passion with me, but I still don't have confidence in my work. I think twice before showing it to anyone, but being in a writers group helps me to accept criticism because they are trying to help me become better.

One problem I do have is that  I  never had trouble  speaking my mind. To this day I have to watch how I say things and even when I watch, I still say things wrong. This has caused a lot of problems for me. I realized that just because I didn't think I said anything harsh or blunt the other person thought that I did. I'm still working on that, it's a every day thing - sometimes I win and sometimes I lose - - -. I don't hear my self, maybe if I did I would know how other people hear me.

Today I still find myself trying to please people, but stop when I realize what I am doing -  I sometimes still feel insecure in things I do  - but I have as they say "Come A Long Way Baby"

I fought a hard battle a few years ago, the hardest battle I have ever faced and got through it. It helped strengthen me in more ways then I could ever say. but God willing I will never have to face that again.
Today, I am an assertive person, I will tell the person when I disagree with something and explain why. I now have confidence in me. I know I'm good at certain things. I'm not afraid to try new things, years ago I would panic and not even try, today I try and it usually turns out good but sometimes it doesn't. But that's OK - I don't fall apart at the seams .

As far as people, yesterday I let two people out of my life completely. And I can honestly say I feel good about it. I don't need to be around people who are negative - I want positive people around - people who laugh and have fun.
Life is to short to accept anything else.

So, yes I like me, I like who I am, I don't like how I look,  the hernia makes me a misfit, but it does not bother me when people stare anymore. I like the feeling of confidence I have. I  say how I feel or why I disagree with something. Finally I am my own person.